‘Eldest daughter syndrome’ went viral. Eldest sons feel the pressure too.

For as long as he can remember, Brian K. Seymour II has always been responsible for someone else. As the eldest child in the family, with two younger brothers and a sister, Seymour, now 40, says taking care of his siblings was just “how things were.”

When his parents were working, Seymour was the one who ensured his three siblings ate a snack and did their homework after school. He knew that only once that was done, they could all go outside, but only in the courtyard, not to anyone else’s house. In the mornings, the four went to school together, and afterward, Seymour waited around so they could all walk home together. As he got older, the responsibilities increased to more household chores, like taking out the trash, picking up after the dog and babysitting his siblings — unpaid, of course.

“I knew how to use a microwave, not to answer the door for anyone and had a princess to save on my Nintendo,” jokes Seymour, who lives in Atlanta.

Last year, the term “eldest daughter syndrome” firmly entered the zeitgeist, acknowledging the disproportionate responsibility that firstborn daughters often take on in their families. They were finally being recognized as the ones expected to be responsible for domestic duties, carry their parents’ stress and hold everything together. But where do eldest sons fit into that?

On a recent episode of Good Hang With Amy Poehler, Kevin Jonas, the oldest of the Jonas Brothers, casually revealed that some eldest sons quietly take on the emotional heavy lifting among siblings as well.

Seymour’s responsibilities were similar to those often described for eldest daughters — taking care of his siblings, making sure they were safe when their parents weren’t home and managing a lot of the household chores. But the expectations around those responsibilities can differ, especially along gender lines.

Eldest sons vs. eldest daughters

The differences between eldest sons and eldest daughters aren’t necessarily in the tasks themselves, but how gender shapes expectations, praise and protection.

When successfully taking on the responsibilities of caregiving, domestic labor and emotional management roles, girls are rewarded for being “helpful” and “mature,” which feels validating, and thus quickly becomes a shaped identity, says Jen Loong-Goodwin, a psychotherapist, founder of LifeLoong Therapy and host of the podcast For Good Daughters’ Sake. “Boys are more often encouraged to explore, play and even push boundaries,” she tells Yahoo.

Seymour says that he notices these differences when discussing his upbringing with his wife, who was the eldest daughter in her family. “I realize the additional freedoms I got as the oldest boy versus the oldest girl,” he tells Yahoo.

He adds: “My father let me use his car, go out on dates and explore the island of Oahu with my teenage friends with limited oversight,” says Seymour. Conversely, “I remember my mother-in-law telling a story about intentionally moving to the second floor and making sure my wife's bedroom was in the back so she couldn't sneak out.”

Eldest sons historically have different expectations, even if they also take on domestic tasks. “Pressure can lie in carrying on the family name, family business and being a future provider,” Tara M. Lally, chief psychologist at Ocean University Medical Center, tells Yahoo. They are often treated as the authority and future leadership for the family, she says.

The eldest son also “may be expected to work at an earlier age, protect the younger children and become the ‘man of the house,’” John Puls, a psychotherapist and owner of Full Life Comprehensive Care in Boca Raton, Fla., tells Yahoo.

Oldest child and birth order theory

The pressure both eldest sons and daughters experience as kids can have a lifelong impact on their personalities, behaviors and life path. That’s at least according to birth order theory, first developed by Austrian psychotherapist Alfred Adler.

Firstborn children tend to be responsible rule followers. They’re also most likely to be parentified, or pushed into a parent-like role, and as a result they tend to be more comfortable in leadership roles than their siblings. Some research shows that eldest children are more likely to get higher education and make more money than their younger siblings. And another found that CEOs are more likely to be the firstborn child.

This checks out for Seymour, who is the chief executive officer and founder of Prosperitage Wealth in Atlanta.

“It’s hard to imagine that I would have had the courage and desire to start my own firm and take this entrepreneurial journey if I didn’t have the ‘pressure’ to lead, to succeed or to be great,” says Seymour.

And that pressure hasn’t gone away. Seymour says he feels it more now as an adult than he did as a child. As the first off to college, the first to get married and the first to have children, he has a sense of responsibility to set a “real example.” “Getting A’s in high school or being the star of the football team is cool, but if you peaked at 18, and now you’re a bum who’s stuck telling Al Bundy stories, it hits a little different,” he says.

Seymour reflects on being the oldest as a positive experience, but that’s not the case for everyone, particularly when parents don’t set appropriate boundaries. A 2024 report from Epic Research found that oldest children (and only children) are at higher risk of experiencing anxiety and depression as adults, which may be due to parentification and the pressure to be a perfect example for their siblings.

How do parents nurture leadership without overloading their eldest?

There are several things parents can do to avoid creating an environment where eldest son/daughter syndrome has the potential to thrive.

For one, “parents can evaluate — and consistently reevaluate — the responsibility expectations set forth … acknowledge the pressure that they may inadvertently place on this child and have open discussions about what the eldest … may want as they grow and develop into adults,” says Lally. “For example, the family business may not be their dream. Is this something that they can communicate without repercussions?”

Next, leadership should be practiced — not assigned as a permanent role, says Loong-Goodwin. “Instead of automatically placing the eldest in charge, invite participation,” she suggests. “Asking ‘Would you like to help with this?’ preserves agency and reduces resentment.”

Parents should also be mindful of how they praise their children. “Saying ‘that was thoughtful of you’ recognizes a behavior, while ‘You’re such a responsible daughter’ locks a child into a role they may feel unable to step out of,” notes Loong-Goodwin.

Some labels may seem positive, but they can still carry costs. For example, a label like “the leader” might create pressure to perform, or “the responsible one” might limit play, rest and emotional expression, she says.

“The goal is not to eliminate responsibility but to ensure it feels like a choice rather than a life sentence,” says Loong-Goodwin. “That distinction is what ultimately allows a child to feel loved for who they are — not for what they manage, carry or hold together.”

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